I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize