i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
