I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
