Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
