i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
