its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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