i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
