I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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