...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
