The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
