well I can't set my house on fire every night
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
