She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
