Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
