I accidentally burped into my bong.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
