i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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