I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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