I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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