he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You have to summon your inner elephant
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
