I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
