I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
