I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
