So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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