Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
