why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
