yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Less talking, more tequila
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Randomize
