you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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