she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
