He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
