if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
