I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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