I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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