You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
