that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
