You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
