There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
