The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
