First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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