Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
