When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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