Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
