If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
