Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
