you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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