Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
