You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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