Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
