mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize