My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
