are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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