I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
