So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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