Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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