sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
