There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize