my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
