mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
