There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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