Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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