a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You've changed since you got that strap on
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
